The what ifs.

For days now I've been afflicted with the what ifs: what if I'd gotten sober sooner? Would I still be married? And then my former fiance showed up on FB and I wondered what if I'd married him? Would I still be getting divorced? Or what if I'd never stopped dating Big Guns and married him? What if it's the universe's plan that no matter who I married, it was decreed that I'd be divorcing at 46? What if I screwed the universe and never married anyone? Then, because I hate change more than anything, I started wondering what if the ex just moved back home and we picked up where we left off like none of this never happened? What if?

I think I've been sitting in a Federal court room for too long. The Judge said she expected the trial to be over tomorrow, three days early; she is the Judge, after all, and rarely wrong so I should be back to my "normal" routine by Thursday.