Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Beauty break

I was zipping down the driveway yesterday, turned my head to the right and -- pow! -- noticed that my camellias are quietly going insane with blossoms. The conditions must have been spot on this year, just enough water and rain and sun, for every plant is heavy with blooms and buds and I almost missed it! This is a good reminder to pull my head out, stop and admire the camellias. 

It's also another good reason to stay put. I had a good five days of ruminating whether it was worth hemorrhaging the money every month on this humble house and not better to sell and move to a nice manageable apartment with a little patio for a couple of potted plants and a landlord to call when the roof leaked. I was stuck on the proverbial fence when my little one asked if it would be possible, please mummy, even though it's expensive and we're broke to stay in the house at least until he got to be his big brother's age? Could I swing that? Why yes, my little chicken, for you I can do that! I'll forgo waxings and new clothes and maybe dye my own hair and eat beans but as God is my witness we'll stay. Besides, who needs new shoes when you've got camellias like these?

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Les petites morts

Divorce is not one death but many little ones. It's like buckshot, not one clean entry but a messy scattering of small wounds . For instance, I was at my friend J's house the other day and she was excited to show me what she was giving her husband for their 20th wedding anniversary -- a photo of them from their wedding day that she'd had placed in an antique frame from her mother-in-law. It was so beautiful, both of them shining with hope in all their wedding finery and late-80s hair dos. (J's bangs were a couple of inches high.) I'm admiring the picture and the job the framer has done when I come across another piece of shrapnel embedded in my heart -- I'd never be re-framing a picture from my wedding day almost 18 years ago. Even though I'd never considered doing this, the possibility is dead.

I'm probably feeling so morbid because I spent 2.5 hours in the company of our lawyer yesterday which is like being in the presence of a dementor from the Harry Potter books. I sat in that depressing conference room watching the lawyer's mouth open and close as I felt all the hope and joy being leeched from my body. Have a nice day.