What I'm reading.

Joan Didion's The year of Magical Thinking. I am only 50+ pages in but the way she describes her reactions to the death of her spouse--numbness, inability to focus or read, denial--is very similar to the feelings I had when first divorcing. Speaking of death, here's a sad story about a our shark.

This is what my house would look like if it were underwater, sort of.

Big Guns and I spent over an hour assembling (and reassembling her after discovering I'd put her motor on backward) her, then running out to the store for fresh AAA batteries. She's super cool and Q got to play with her for all of five minutes before "swimming" her out to the car where she floated away from us. There were so many moments we could have stopped it--jumped higher, thrown our coats over her--but before we knew it she was above the roof, then above the neighbor's oak tree, then floating high above San Carlos swimming toward San Jose. On a happier note:

Baby Kitten and Clooney.

I'm still filthy with beautiful kitties. Here they are enjoying what we call "ice cream" but what is a tiny dollop of whippy from a can, which may explain their girth. Now that I think of it, they are both shaped a bit like the shark.

I have this box of angel cards that I've been consulting a lot lately because I will do anything--anything--to find answers to life's BIG questions such as "What should I do now?" In one form or another, this is the question I ask daily.

The angels appear to have their own agenda. Sometimes I'll pick a card that suggests I focus on my spiritual life or a card that suggests I spend some time in nature. Yesterday I picked Francesca, who had this to say:

What do you desire right now? Visualize it, and it will come about. Negativity will block your progress. You have been asking God and the angels, 'What is next for me?' Yet, we have been waiting for you to make that decision for yourself? This is why you have felt stuck lately. The impasse occurs because you are afraid of making a 'wrong' decision. We can help you to decide, but ultimately, the next chapter of your life is up to you. This is a period of your life that is unscripted.

Your desires are like a painting that you create upon the canvas of your life. Like an artist, you must decide what the theme, background, and foreground will be within your picture. Take some time out to meditate, pray upon, and contemplate this important decision. Be creative, and maintain standards for yourself. But remember: If you don't make a decision, that's the same thing as deciding that everything shall remain the same.

Nice punt back to me. I want the angels to tell me what to do next: send your novel to (insert name of agent). Even still, it's kind of spooky or miraculous.  Although, who isn't afraid of making a wrong decision?

If you're stubborn like me, you'll live with that wrong decision for 17 years before making a decision to change, if ever. How do you know when something is right? Wouldn't it be great if we had a sign, a green light that shone out our belly buttons when we were headed in the right direction?

4:22 first day of vacation.

Still in my pajamas. Things are looking promising that this year will be a lot like last year.

The public mostly sucks.

Mario cleaned out his closet a few months ago. You can see it, right? His closet is tidy and pristine but in the center of his room is the monstrous pile of clothes he no longer wants. They filled two garbage bags and sat by my front door to go to the Goodwill for another few weeks until I went through them and saw that several of the pants were barely worn. Bright lights goes off. EBAY.

For years, my boys exclusively wore the Boden Techno Zip-offs, $40+ new and always sold out so I'd buy every color as soon as I got the catalog. One year, I made the mistake of purchasing the camo ones in every colorway, plus orange and green ones. (God, I'm sorry; this story is even boring me.) I listed eleven pairs in varying states of wear from practically brand new to several rounds on the playground. My buyer paid $40 total. I just got an email from her complaining that they were not as expected--not barely worn but played in, a button was missing, stains on hems...

I don't know about other moms but when my sons wear pants they look like they've been to war. Trust me, lady, I wasn't trying to deceive you. And yet, I still feel like shit. She didn't even thank me for the extra pair I threw in for free that I found when I was boxing up her pile of pants.

I think people expect way, way more than they pay for and my Ebay days are firmly behind me. People suck.