Fear, sadness and uncertainty with a side of Botox.

When I was new in recovery I never knew how I was feeling because until that point I only felt good = stoned on my drug of choice or bad = waiting to be stoned on my drug of choice. 

At recovery camp, I was given a daily exercise of checking in with my fine self. I picked emotions from a two-page list the staff had typed up. I was told it was OK to feel more than one at the same time! I faked it most days and picked emotions that matched what I was wearing. But checking in is a habit that stuck. 

Most mornings I just feel "off" which is nebulous and vague so I sit and try to mine what, exactly, is underneath "off." Today I feel fear that I haven't received a single call to the resumes I've sent out. (The economy is really bad in case you didn't know.) I always feel sadness; apparently I'll be stuck in that phase of the grief process for a while. I'm flush with uncertainty about the first holidays as a pre-loved parent. (Aaah!!!) I also have a slight headache from the Botox my niece's doctor injected into my forehead on Thursday morning. He said I must worry a lot considering the state of my forehead and my age. It's nice to know all that work wasn't for naught. 

The results are supposed to kick in around Thanksgiving day but I can feel it working already. For the first time in my life, my forehead feels relaxed. I'm hoping it effects my mood, a fake-it-til-you-make-it kind of thing. 

My niece promised me I'd love the it. Coincidentally, that's the same thing said by the person who gave me my first line of cocaine, which was also free. Ha ha. I found my new drug and it costs more than all of them. Botox: the new heroine.