Coffee with ex: a glimpse into how things could be.

I asked ex to meet me for coffee and he agreed. I'm embarrassed to admit that I was excited about it,  like first-date excited, even though I know better and don't want that anyway. I think I was excited about the possibilities of actually having a conversation with him because--another gift to be grateful for--I no longer want him to contract ebola and bleed out in front of me.

I arrive at the Starbucks. (Where would future and former couples be without Starbucks?) I sit down. He stares at me. Silence. My emotional Tourettes kicks in and I start spewing my hopes for the future, that we--me and Big Guns, he and his chia pet--would be comfortable socializing, being in the same room together. Basically, I came out of the gate too fast. He was physically taken back and I had too explain that I didn't mean we'd all go out to dinner that evening, but was talking about the boys' birthdays. At any rate, it took the wind out of my sails. Right, this is ex, after all. Same old, same old. He kept me in check all those years, for good and bad. He was an anchor and a jail. He tempered my impulsivity, but also was a wet blanket. 

I was able to shut up for a few minutes and let him talk, which is difficult for me. I suppose I've always been afraid of what he's going to say, like "I'm gay," or "I don't love you," or "I can't believe you haven't read James Joyce." Overall, it was a good talk and I left feeling freer and more confident that we had made the right decision. Who am I kidding? I felt happy I could have a civil conversation with my boys' father without anger or regret or resentments. It was a miracle! To quote the Big Book, "we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it."