Oh Nora, this is just what I need to read today.

You can read the whole thing here if you want (and maybe you should if you're thinking about divorce or thinking about talking to someone who's divorced or thinking about getting married) but this is what sang to me:

But I can't think of anything good about divorce as far as the children are concerned. You can't kid yourself about that, although many people do. They say things like, "It's better for children not to grow up with their parents in an unhappy marriage." But unless the par ents are beating each other up, or abusing the children, kids are better off if their parents are together. Chil dren are much too young to shuttle between houses. They're too young to handle the idea that the two peo ple they love most in the world don't love each other anymore, if they ever did. They're too young to under stand that all the wishful thinking in the world won't bring their parents back together. And the newfangled rigmarole of joint custody doesn't do anything to ease the cold reality: in order to see one parent, the divorced child must walk out on the other.


I can't tell you how many people told me it's better for my children to be with parents who are divorced but happy. Really? This I know: my kids don't give a shit if I'm miserable, suicidal, and their dad dislikes me so much he can't even stand to share a bed with me and sleeps on the couch. No, all they care about is that we all live under the same roof. An intact family. Period. People don't seem to believe me when I say I would have stayed in a much, much worse marriage not to have to split my family apart but it's true. I'm not a martyr --(OK, I am but not in this case)--I just value my children's happiness more than my own marital bliss which, even if I was married to Matt Damon I know would be tested regularly. Matt's got moods and probably misses the toilet bowl occasionally like every other man I've ever lived with.

This would be a fine place to end and I should but I'm feeling pissy this week. Every day at lunch I head off walking toward the bridge thinking it would be a fine day to jump but turn around before I'm halfway there because apparently all I needed was fresh air. Anyway, my mistake was marrying a guy who didn't share this value. Although he told me that Hollywood love was just that--make believe--I think he was projecting, trying to convince himself of this. And you know, I have realized that the other major character flaw he accused me of throughout our marriage--extreme judgment  --was also a projection. I have proof. I went to a therapist and a psychic to work on my judgment issues and they both said I didn't seem to have any. (Of course, there were plenty, back up a dump truck, of other issues to work on but judgment wasn't one of them.) Take that, ex! For twenty years he hid behind this mild, academic demeanor but underneath was judgment dude. Mr. Judgment. His dismissive comments about my choice of television programs, certain family members, even the kind of cheese I bought should have tipped me off but that's the beauty of projection. You keep the people around you off balance, accusing them of things you don't want them to notice about you. Politicians do it all the time. It probably doesn't work on people with strong centers who know who they are. That's not me. Yet. Ex is 50 today. We all get our comeuppances.