My addict is showing. (Or shopping.)

It's my AA birthday; I have two years today. The second year went by much faster than the first. Big Guns brought me flowers last night and I brought him grief. Most of the time I like his steely ways and how he will stand up for himself, unlike cream-puff ex who always gave in which made me feel momentarily victorious but ultimately guilty.

I've been feeling especially overwhelmed recently -- Big Gun's ma's death, food poisoning, and my youngest son's first birthday post divorce. (I'll call him Mario after his favorite video game character since I'm not to call him baby anymore.) So this week I just wanted Big Guns to be soft and not to ask anything of me. Except Tuesday he asked if I'd help him prepare dinner for a meeting and I didn't quite say no -- I don't have the boundary thing down yet -- but I did throw out a few veiled blocks that any co-dependent person would have picked up on immediately. Big Guns isn't co-dependent and doesn't do subtle. I made the meatloaf. How have I been coping? Spending money.

I've been pretty good with the budget for the last eight months -- I haven't met it but I've come close. That's all gone to hell. I guess it started with my new laptop, followed by clothes for the boys and a few things for Big Gun's pathetically decorated condo (somehow it doesn't count if I'm spending on others), a $400 purse that I got at TJ Maxx for $130 (which is saving, really; not spending), and then I started in on the new underwear. (What is it with me and underwear? It's like the last sign that I'm in a spending relapse.) Then I ordered a TV with my United miles and it was too small so I gave it to my big boy and bought another TV and I don't even watch TV. We don't even have cable.

I'm like a hemophiliac with money; once I start with the bloodletting I can't stop. Who am I kidding? That's not hemophilia that's addiction.