Yep.

I had a lull in work and took a moment to read an essay on one of my favorite sites, The Fix. The writer described sobriety in such a true way:

I’d work hard. I’d drink caffeine all day and sleep not much. I’d feel in control. My emotional range was reduced to the narrow band between “mildly annoyed” and “quite pleased.” I’d go to parties and nights out with low expectations, and leave before eleven. My nights would feel a bit worse than normal. My mornings would feel a bit better.

As I work through my fourth year sober, it's painfully clear that this is the new status quo: dullish. Never having fun again was one of my greatest fears when I first gave up my DOCs (drugs of choice). I still have fun, but it's not like it used to be. It turns out I'm quite conservative in my behaviors without my DOCs. On the other hand, can I call that old kind of crazy fun truthful if it was always/mostly chemically altered?

I am grateful that I no longer have to shoulder mountains of shame and regret, but I also don't get to shake it off in a delirious, wild release. Sometimes I miss it.