Cul de sac thinking.

From The Year of Magical Thinking: Didion writes about seeing that fall has arrived in Central Park and realizing that, back at home, "There is no one to hear this news, nowhere to go with the unmade plan, the uncompleted thought." She quotes C.S. Lewis:

"I think I'm beginning to understand why grief feels like suspense. It comes from so many impulses that become habitual...So many roads once; now so many cul de sacs."

So often I will see something--a sweater, say--and think ex will like that, or read something and wonder what ex would have to say about it, or want to share something I've written with him. Every time I turn on the light to read in the middle of the night I think about how he hated it. Every time I get angry, I think about how he hated that, too. Habits developed over twenty years are hard to break.