I just read this from a list of six ways to improve your marriage on Beyond Blue. (I realize it's a year too late for me but I might get in another relationship someday. Who knows?).
2. One "zinger" will erase 20 acts of kindness.
It takes one put-down to undo hours of kindness you give to your partner. The key: intimate partners must learn how to manage their anger and control the exchange of negative behavior by finding a way to express the feelings in a constructive manner. Constructive expression of gripes, criticisms, and annoyances is a matter of knowing how to express oneself and choosing the appropriate time and place for the conversation.
This was basically the MO of my marriage. I learned it from my parents. I NEVER even considered it was wrong or that there could be another way of relating to a person. Lordy.
Two days before this revelation, I was waiting in a doctor's office and since I'd already read "O" magazine, I began flipping through a book, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship. Just a light romp of a read. Like "O", there was a questionnaire: Are you being emotionally abusive? Here's where my formative years of reading my mom's Redbook paid off; I must complete the questionnaire: (I've changed these to past tense for obvious reasons and I haven't included the whole questionnaire. You can get the book if you're that interested.)
Did I secretly disrespect my partner because I felt she -- how gender specific! The book just assumes all abusers are men!-- was weak, inadequate or a pushover?
Did I deliberately get involved with a partner who would allow me to maintain the dominant role in the relationship?
Did I give my partner the silent treatment or withhold affection when he didn't do as I wished?
Did I experience frequent mood shifts, sometimes going from loving to rejecting in minutes? Did I frequently become enraged? Am I often unaware what caused my moods to change but assumed it was something my partner did?
Have I ever thrown objects while in a rage at my partner?
Um, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And because I answered yes to more than five, it's worse: I've exhibited a pattern of emotional abuse.
Ex's dad was emotionally abusive. Quelle surprise! It's all so obvious in hindsight. If I weren't sober, I'd say this would be a good time to get down with a glass of whiskey. The good news is that now I know. Onward.
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